Wake up. 3 AM. Dark. “Going to hospital. Call in morning.” Half asleep. “Okay.” Fall asleep.

Wake up. 8:30 AM. Get out of bed. Dream? Parents not home. Look at caller ID record. DEACONNESS HOSPITAL. 2:45 AM. Scared. Call parents. “At Robinsons’. Get brothers dressed. Be back in minute.” Wake up brothers. Shower. Gather in parents’ room. Look at Dad. Something wrong. Start to cry. “Accident.” Dad cries. “Jim. Killed.” Really cry. Brothers scared. “Who will be my godfather?” Everyone cries.

Dressed. Wait for brothers to shower. Want to walk to Robinsons’. Wait. Drive to Robinsons’. Walk in door. Quiet. Robinsons sitting in family room. Hug Tina. Cry. Hug kids. Cry. Hug Andrew. Hold Andrew’s hand. Doesn’t cry. Man of the house. So strong. So proud. Sit together forever. Quiet. Lost. World stops.

Longest day. Friends arrive. Hugs. Tears. Feeble jokes. No laughs. Cars enter driveway. People enter house. People leave house. Eyes wet. Cars leave driveway. Replaced by new cars. New people. New tears. Help. Bring food from cars. So much food. Find space to put food. Don’t bother Tina. Can’t taste food. Keep kids distracted. Take mind off emptiness. Ha. Doesn’t work. Pretend it works. Hide tears from kids. Like Andrew. Doesn’t cry. Not yet. So young. So strong. Man of the house.

Late. Go home. Sit downstairs. Dark. Hold dog. Cry. Cry. Cry. Mom comes downstairs. Cry. “Breaks my heart to see you like this. Had special place in his heart for you.” Mom leaves. Hold dog. Dog sleeps. Cry. Go upstairs. Get in bed. Share room with brothers. Extra Robinsons in my room. Cry. Quiet. Don’t shake bed. Don’t wake up brothers. Cry. Fall asleep.

Wake up. 8 AM. Shower. First day of school. Junior year. Most important year. Don’t go to school. Go to Robinsons’. Hug Andrew. Hug Grandma Robinson. Try not to cry. Cry a little. Sit on couch. Watch movies. Stare at TV. Don’t pay attention. More people come. More food brought. More people leave. Don’t leave. Andrew jokes. Fake laugh.

Realize date. September 11. Don’t care. Not as bad as yesterday. Play waffle ball. Watch adults talk quietly. Pretend not to notice. Pretend to have fun. Pretend. Eat dinner. No taste. Hug Andrew. Hug kids. Hug Tina. Go home. Sit in bed. Brother asleep. School tomorrow. Cry quietly. Get out of bed. Go to parents. “I want to go back.” Go back to Robinsons’. Squint. Hide red eyes. “What about school tomorrow?” Smile. Fake swagger. “I don’t need school.” Sit on couch. Watch movie. Pick Andrew’s clothes for wake. “Red ties tomorrow.” Go home. Go to bed. Cry quietly. Not as much. Sleep.

Wake up. 7 AM. School today. Wake today. Introductions to teachers. Questions from friends. Hugs from good friends. Drift through classes. Leave early. Go home. Write letter to Jim. Put on pants. Put on jacket. Put on red tie. Drive to funeral home. Go upstairs with kids and friends. Eat cheap food.

Go downstairs. Skip line. Kneel at casket. Can’t see through tears. Jim looks fake. Put letter next to Jim. Touch Jim’s chest. Hug kids. Hug younger friends. Hug Tina. Shake adults’ hands. “You’re a good friend.” Nod. Fake smile. Means nothing. Jim still dead. Strangers walk through line. Strangers kneel at casket. Some strangers cry. Tina cries. Cries. Stops crying. New friend comes through. Cries again. Andrew doesn’t cry. Stands with Tina. Shakes strangers’ hands. “I’m sorry for your loss.” Andrew nods.

Strangers leave. Close friends stand around. Hug each other. Leave. Robinsons’ leave. Andrew stays. Sit in front of funeral home. Andrew cries. Cries. Cries. “Why? He’s gone. Why?” Sit with Andrew. Arm around shoulders. Glare at passing cars. This is my friend. Don’t you dare look at his pain. Dad brings car to front. Hugs Andrew. Get in car. Go to Robinsons’. Go home. Cry. Sleep.

Wake up. 8 AM. Funeral today. Skip school. Shower. Put on pants. Put on red tie. Put on jacket. Drive to church. Walk in with procession. Andrew cries. Tina doesn’t cry much. Andrew’s sisters don’t cry much. All cried out. Andrew has tears to get out. Reserved seats. Mom gives speech. Cry. Jim’s twin gives speech. “Fierce friend.” Pulls out sword. Funeral ends. Gather outside church. Try to find Robinsons. Robinsons get in car quickly. Want to hug Andrew. Go to reception. Hug Andrew. Reception ends. Go to Robinsons’. Stay til dark. Go home.

Wake up. 7 AM. Shower. School today. Life back to normal. Something’s missing.